Dear goddess

I write to you after a long absence from your worship, I write to you with blood on my hands standing on my feet looking for hands from above. I always have been here asking for more, getting greedier every day by the passing second. I entered empty-handed and left full of blessings, and I walked young and foolish and walked old and broken. What you have blessed me with is more than the eye can pick but only for the heart to feel, and I’m only here to thank you for each one of the milestones. I walked in here like a child who looked for guidance, a fish stuck up on a tree with empty lungs needing that fresh air of change and freedom. I ran up to the mountain to scream at the top of my lungs that I finally found the freedom I was longing for, I finally reached the dreams I was once so thirsty to drink from the fountain of knowledge, love, and success. You gave me enough till it calmed my thirst but I got tipsy by knowledge and drunk by success and hammered by love. I lost my way and now I am over here looking for the light again in what seems to be the last darkness I will witness. I ran across the Olympian mountain to look for a God and I found none, to only come back for you on my knees to find that you ran away. I finally realized there is no running away from becoming the devil I once was planned to be, I held the hammer of the sin and I broke every statue I found in my bloody way. I had red eyes and tears on my cheeks, I broke the childhood status to leave pieces of the kid inside me, and I broke the sacred love status to get your blessings. All I had at the end is the sin on my hand and nowhere to find you; I threw the sin away and ran across town under the rain of shame washing my tired half corps. Where are you now when I need you the most? I sold my soul for you and you left me where no one is to be left. I sold everyone for you to find your way but there is no one to hold my hand now. All I remember is people’s words from my way up to here, hearing all kinds of demeaning nicknames and hurtful words only to lead to you. But what now would you leave me carrying the guilt stone, like Sisyphus or would you free me into the world as you promised? I looked for my freedom for so long and now I am begging for a chance to breathe once more.

What’s my mistake in this life? Is it that I was born poor, with no chances to survive? You may give me life but you took it away from me every day, and you may bless me with my silver tongue and fingers but I killed everybody on my way with it. You may bless my heart with endless sorrow and tragic memories but I will never forget how I was left along the way.

All my blessings turned into knives to stab me in the back but none of them helped me to reach you, to surpass and survive. All I heard and was promised of is to live and get a decent life, but all I got is a torn out shoe and a limping horse, a heart lacking hope and an eye tearing blood from the past.

How you expect me not to be the devil with red eyes seeking vengeance while the human tore down my wings and left me by myself. How do you expect to fly and find freedom while I was beating to death because I once loved and wished for a happy life myself? After all, I turned to be a love criminal, a threat, a liar, and a thief. I deserve to be punished but I am already being punished every second of every hour, the fire burning my soul and the fear of my silver tongue burning more bodies to their corps.

I sit here one more night wishing you listen to me your highness; I don’t want to be bad anymore nor to be judged or looked at, feared, sick of, hated nor be stepped on. I will stay on my knees in the rain flooding me till I drown in my own pain, eating nothing but the bread of asceticism and the wine of your worship.

I am done with the human race I walked up to the mountain not for freedom but for repentance, I put my head down for the guillotine to hit my silver throat once more. But let me breathe one more day, to run to the library of Alexandria and burn the knowledge that once showed me the scary face of humanity, let me run to the orchestra to write a piece for my finale where I hold the mirror to humans to see how flawed they are before the judge, let me run to my cage to break all the pens and the instruments that once made me start this hell, let me run one last time to the top of the hill and scream for all who are in pain in silence, let me run and run without returning because I deserve none of my blood to be shed and none of my acts to be judged. I am none but one like you who was born at the wrong time in the wrong place, I did all of this to show you, Goddess, once more what man is capable of doing. And to you, I say let the violins play and the piano to tick because we reached our final destination, I am returning to you for the final time, and I’ll cut my hand and tongue and hang them by the town hall to let anyone know that for he who wishes to get love, knowledge, success and tell the truth at the same time… he will get what I got.. and he shall be hanged resembling the way I am hanging with the rope of humanity and before I let my last breath away, I say to all of you I love you, I was never here to share a message of hate, I have always loved every one, but unfortunately earth was nothing but hell in disguise for hate to live and prosper. You hang me.. and I’ll love you, you judged me and I shall love you, you hated me and I still respect you, you ruined me and I still built you, and you said goodbye and I said see you on the other side ...

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